White House Press Secretaries work very hard to save the President from himself (and herself, in the future). The most common of these situations is when the President has been caught “overstretching a euphemism” (to those untrained in diplomacy, “misspoke”, and to plain folk, “lied”). Watching Press Secretaries tiptoeing through the reporters’ questions in the briefing room can leave one amused, pained, angry, embarrassed for the Secretary, or all of the above. Jay Carney, President Obama’s current Press Secretary, appears to have somewhat greater challenges than most.
But what if one of Carney’s children came to recognize that Daddy was frequently not exactly truthful and made a simple wish, “that Daddy would be unable to tell a lie for an entire day”¹ and the wish became true—on the day of the next press briefing!
White House Press Briefing Room
Carney: “I have no opening statement this morning, so let’s just get started. Wendell”?
Wendell: “Can you give us any insight into the President’s complaints about the Supreme Court Justices again”?
Carney: “Well, you know he’s a student of the Constitution…he studied it like an Army general studies and identifies vulnerabilities of our enemies. The President knows all the weaknesses of the Constitution, the Court and the Justices, and he has a plan to defeat them all. Mmn…Chuck”?
Chuck: “Do you mean the Constitution’s failures to provide for all the assistance and protection that all the underclasses need”?
Carney: “Yes; he believes the present Constitution was fine for wealthy white slaveholders in the 18th century. Today, we don’t need any kind of Constitution—our President knows what’s needed, when and how; he can rule the country without any extraneous documents. Helene”?
Helene: “But what can the President do if the Court rules against the Affordable Health Care Act”?
Carney: “He doesn’t worry—the bully pulpit always trumps the black robe”.
Helene: “Follow-up on”—(Carney breaks in),
Carney: “Let’s see…Jessica”?
Jessica: “What specific steps does the President plan to take to lower gas prices”?
Carney: “He doesn’t plan to do anything! The country’s gasoline binge is George Bush’s fault. Before Bush, we had plenty of gas and prices were dirt cheap. If the Supreme Court had let Al Gore win, gasoline engine production would have been prohibited in the U.S. by now, and gas prices would be moot. Uh…Norah”?
Norah: “Is the President concerned about the tightening of the polls in his reelection”?
Carney: “Nah—he sleeps well; the fix is in. Hmm…Ed”?
Ed: “Are you telling us there’s going to be an October Surprise?”
Carney: “I suppose so … yes, there’s going to be a surprise. Jake”?
Jake: “Do you know any of the details”?
Carney: “Not a lot; I only know a few of the secre—uh, details. I know the secret Chinese campaign contribution of $900 million is being distributed to Democratic operatives across the country. But I don’t know if the declaration of national emergency and martial law comes before or after the election”.
A commotion ensues at the front of the room, with three White House Staff men tackling Carney, and starting to drag him out of the room by his feet.
Carney: (gasping, his voice raised a full octave) “HE TOLD YOU IT WAS GOING TO BE HIS LAST ELECTION…WHAT DID YOU THINK”? “unintelligible” (his voice trailing, as his body disappears through the doorway.
Wendell: (standing) “I guess this means the briefing is over”?
(Reporters file out of the room, strangely silent).
¹ If the premise sounds familiar, that’s because it has been the basis for three movies in the U.S., plus films in other countries.
Posted by thedrake01